so about the idol

we’d been slogging through that jungle for weeks
gasping through air that was like hot sludge
with birds and bugs and monkeys heckling us
you know they never let up
no matter how many we shot

and then finally
there by the river’s edge was the goddamn temple
yeah ooh dark and mysterious
but pictures don’t convey the smell
like something died and burst open
these days they’d want to make it a world heritage site
but good luck dealing with the smell
your tourist bus wouldn’t get within half a mile

but you wanted to know about the idol

so yes okay I destroyed the whole temple to get the idol
just like the movie tells it
we’d never be allowed to do it nowadays
so-called archeologists bowing to a bunch of rules
best practices written up by pencil necks in offices
jesus fuck we’re archeologists
we’re pirates sailing the seas of history
we don’t follow rules or best fucking practices
archeology is dead these days
let me have another drink will you

but anyway I never got the idol
the movie got that wrong
it went down with the collapsing temple
and I crawled out half alive
and slogged my way empty-handed back through the jungle
till I got to some town in the ass end of nowhere
where I could stagger into a cheap whorehouse
for a week long drunk
or maybe it was a month
how the hell should I remember
when the days all run together
when there’s strong liquor
speaking of which I could sure use another
yeah that hits the spot

the rival archeologist?
poor bastard, I picked his name at random
out of a back issue of the AJA
someone to blame for the missing idol
I even tied him to the Krauts
amazing the shit people will believe
when war makes them paranoid crazy

but I guess you people are having your doubts now
well maybe you’re right
maybe I stumbled into that whorehouse with the idol in my pack
and it was stolen while I lay there like a dead man
or maybe I sold it for more booze
that thing would have paid for a lifelong drunk
which some would say is what I’m on

or maybe I kept it
in a secret place
that I visit whenever I can get away
to dream about being a pirate on the seas of history
a shining golden center to my otherwise shitty life

or maybe I’m just shitting you
to keep the drinks coming

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