Archive | February, 2020



so about the idol

we’d been slogging through that jungle for weeks
gasping through air that was like hot sludge
with birds and bugs and monkeys heckling us
you know they never let up
no matter how many we shot

and then finally
there by the river’s edge was the goddamn temple
yeah ooh dark and mysterious
but pictures don’t convey the smell
like something died and burst open
these days they’d want to make it a world heritage site
but good luck dealing with the smell
your tourist bus wouldn’t get within half a mile

but you wanted to know about the idol

so yes okay I destroyed the whole temple to get the idol
just like the movie tells it
we’d never be allowed to do it nowadays
so-called archeologists bowing to a bunch of rules
best practices written up by pencil necks in offices
jesus fuck we’re archeologists
we’re pirates sailing the seas of history
we don’t follow rules or best fucking practices
archeology is dead these days
let me have another drink will you

but anyway I never got the idol
the movie got that wrong
it went down with the collapsing temple
and I crawled out half alive
and slogged my way empty-handed back through the jungle
till I got to some town in the ass end of nowhere
where I could stagger into a cheap whorehouse
for a week long drunk
or maybe it was a month
how the hell should I remember
when the days all run together
when there’s strong liquor
speaking of which I could sure use another
yeah that hits the spot

the rival archeologist?
poor bastard, I picked his name at random
out of a back issue of the AJA
someone to blame for the missing idol
I even tied him to the Krauts
amazing the shit people will believe
when war makes them paranoid crazy

but I guess you people are having your doubts now
well maybe you’re right
maybe I stumbled into that whorehouse with the idol in my pack
and it was stolen while I lay there like a dead man
or maybe I sold it for more booze
that thing would have paid for a lifelong drunk
which some would say is what I’m on

or maybe I kept it
in a secret place
that I visit whenever I can get away
to dream about being a pirate on the seas of history
a shining golden center to my otherwise shitty life

or maybe I’m just shitting you
to keep the drinks coming

Laugh About It, Shout About It When You’ve Got to Choose

I’m going to be one of the moderators for the Libertarian Party’s presidential candidates’ debate on Friday, February 28th, in conjunction with the Alabama state LP’s 2020 convention in Birmingham AL; details here and here.

I’ll also be tabling there for Molinari/C4SS on Saturday, February 29th.

More info to follow!

The Elusive Chameleon

To C. Chameleon, who left me a message today through this blog’s contact form: you didn’t include an email address so I don’t know how to contact you. Please drop me a note either by email or in the talkback form below. Thanks!

The Lash and the Loophole

The poet ibn Harma performed for the Prince of the Muslims and so delighted was the Caliph with his performance that he said “name your reward.”

The poet replied, “the reward I wish from the Prince of the Muslims is that he should send instructions to his officials in the city of Medina, commanding that when I am found dead drunk upon the pavement and brought in by the city guard, I be let off from the punishment prescribed for that offense.”

“That is God’s law, not mine; I cannot change it. Name another reward.”

“There is nothing else I desire from the Prince of the Muslims.”

Al-Mansur thought a little, then sent instructions to his officials in Medina commanding that if anyone found the poet ibn Harma dead drunk upon the pavement and brought him in for punishment, ibn Harma should receive eighty strokes of the lash as the law commands. But whoever brought him in should receive a hundred.

And ever after, when someone saw the poet lying dead drunk upon the pavement, he would turn to his companion and say “a hundred for eighty is a bad bargain” and pass on.

— David Friedman, Legal Systems Very Different from Ours

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