DEONTOLOGIST: You say we should do whatever has the best consequences; but what if Awful Action X had the best consequences?
CONSEQUENTIALIST: But Awful Action X wouldn’t have the best consequences in any realistic scenario.
DEONTOLOGIST: It doesn’t matter; as long as your theory is committed to saying that Awful Action X would be okay if it did have the best consequences, your theory is defective.
CONSEQUENTIALIST: Well, darn it!
CONSEQUENTIALIST: You say we should do the inherently right action even if it doesn’t have the best consequences; but what if the action you say is inherently right had Awful Result Y?
DEONTOLOGIST: But the inherently right action wouldn’t have Awful Result Y in any realistic scenario.
CONSEQUENTIALIST: It doesn’t matter; as long as your theory is committed to saying that Awful Result Y would be okay if it did come about from the inherently right action, your theory is defective.
DEONTOLOGIST: Well, darn it!
VIRTUE ETHICIST: Hey guys, is there a problem down there?